Saturday, April 9, 2011

F.I.N.E

While I was in the desert I saw this ant.
All alone, carrying a stick almost 4 times its size, falling over with the weight.

I, like the ant, try to do too much by myself. Between cancer, recovering from knee surgeries, and debilitating back pain, I have spent over half of my life relying on the help of everyone else to get me through the most basic things. I appreciate everything that has been done for me, would not be here without that help, and have formed some incredible relationships as a result. That being said, I wouldn't change the course of my life for anything. But it has led me to a default setting of taking on too much at once. Call it being intractable, or an inability to ask for help, or an innate survival mode. But however you want to characterize it, the simple fact is I have an overwhelming desire to be independent and live without relying on help for everything. It is like I have an aversion to the feeling of being unable to do things myself.
But I have realized there is nothing wrong in asking for help, people want to help. When I was sick I had a constant stream of visitors not because they had to but because they loved me and wanted to provide help and support wherever they could. I am trying hard to learn not to carry the load on my back alone, but to instead share the brunt of it all. There is no shame in asking for help to keep your head above the water.

This matter is mine
Don't worry I'm fine
This matter is mine
This matter is mine
Don't worry I'm fine
{Kina Grannis "The Goldfish Song}

Hearing the chorus of this song from Kina Grannis was like listening to myself talk. Something that has always stuck with me...every time I would say "I'm fine" my friend and fellow cancer survivor, Zac would quote the movie The Italian Job:

"You're Fine? You know what "fine" stands for, don't you? Freaked out...Insecure...Neurotic...Emotional"

I want to know...are you good at asking for help when you need it? Or do you try to do it all yourself and tell everyone you are fine when you really aren't?

8 comments:

  1. I guess we both know something about shouldering some heavy cancer weight. I can definitely relate to you about taking on too much. I am neurotic and more than a bit of a control freak. I can ask for help among those in my innermost circle of friends and family, but sometimes not before having a massive meltdown.

    When Gavin was going through intensive chemo, people would ask me how I was doing and I would respond that I was "taking it one day at a time." Wholly untrue, but I think that I figured that if I said it, maybe I'd trick my brain into actually doing it. It didn't quite work, but that's my personality and why I have no fingernails but do have constant jaw pain.

    Your pictures, words, and spirit are an inspiration to me. As intractable and neurotic as you may be, you are amazing!

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  2. How beautiful that you gained such insight from a tiny little ant! You are so right. We all tend to try to bear our burdens alone sometimes, and we don't always have to... and we shouldn't even try. We need to remember to let the people around us, the people who love us, help us through difficult and trying times, even when that's hard for us to do. Thanks for reminding us!

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  3. I love your positive spirit and outlook on life. Sometimes it's telling ourselves "we're fine" that keeps us going and doesn't let us break down cause we know we need to be strong to get through it all. I'm good as asking for help from people that are really close to me (husband, mother, sister) but when it comes to anyone else, I don't want them to judge me or think I can't handle it on my own. Of course I've never been through the struggles of cancer but in a way, we can all relate. Everyone has things to overcome and people supporting them. Beautiful, insightful post!!

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  4. a beautiful post--it sounds like you have been through a lot. i am not so good at communicating when i need help--i guess i need to work on that too.

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  5. I´m totally like you and i don´t like do ask for help too. Sometimes it´s hard to get through, but i just don´t open my heart, mind and life to anyone else because i´m a little bit afraid to depend on someone else.
    Maybe, i´ll try to change just like you.
    Kisses and God bless you.

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  6. I completely understand your post, and asking for help is sometimes frustrating and annoying. Since my back will never be 100 percent, I have to ask for help on a daily basis from my husband and daughter.
    Where are you now with your back pain? Have you found any relief?

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  7. Asking for help....that is definitely hard! After all, it really means to conquer pride and independence, it is showing that I am "needy" in some way or other. To me, it partly feels like a self revelation and thus can be really challenging. But it feels really good to receive help if it is needed and especially after a self-conquering and asking for help!
    PS: Thanks for stopping by at my blog and commenting on the jelly fish picture! Really glad you liked it!

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  8. I am so so on asking for help. I probably take on too much, but usually because I want to do it myself. Billy always sees right through me. People say I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I think it took me a while to overcome the idea that I shouldn't ask for help because people dont want to be bothered to help me. I think that a lot of people actually would love to help, but sometimes it takes putting self sufficient pride aside to ask for it. Sometimes its all in how you ask!!

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